What Once Was Lost

I think that I am back. Life has a way of sidelining the best of intentions. 2019 has been a rough year. I know that I lost myself for a while along the way. I had such good intentions for 2019. I decided to pick a word of the year, so I choose Determination. I was determined to start working on things that mattered to me even if they were slow chunks throughout the year. January was awesome, then the world came tumbling down. We lost my dad in March after a month of being between the hospital and nursing home. 

Grief is hard. When mom died nine years ago, a book kept me afloat. At the beginning of mom's nine-month battle with cancer, I read The Good Nearby by Nancy Moser. The moral of this fictional book is that there good comes even from the bad in life. God has a reason for everything even if we cannot see it at the time. At the beginning of every chapter, there was a Bible verse. The verse that helped me through the months of mom's sickness, then death was "Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!" Romans 11:33. We buried mom the day after my 33rd birthday.

There was only a month between dad being hospitalized and losing him. The cancer was too fast and too strong. I spent a lot of time at the hospital. There was a lot of stress, anxiety, and just trying to stay afloat. I tried to go into work for a few hours when I could and then tried to be the best parent I could be to my kiddos. Thank goodness, I have an amazing husband. That even in the grief of losing his mom, just days before dad was hospitalized, he stepped up so I could be at the hospital with dad to try to get him to eat, to take his meds, and to meet with the doctors. Music over the radio when traveling back and forth was my comfort. Even Then by Micah Tyler was the beacon during that last month of dad's life, dealing with the funeral, and starting to clean out dad's house.

The picture above was taken the morning after dad died. It was snowing when I got the call from the nursing home to come. The oncologist thought dad had maybe six months, he lasted six days after receiving his diagnosis. I had just left work and was heading home to pick up all of the homework that was due to take to school. The flu had hit our house that week. Hubby and our son were both down with the flu and it was the day before the last day of the quarter at school.  I called my husband to let him know that I had to turn around, then went to the nursing home. I was with dad for the last ten minutes of his life holding his hand. I still don't know how hubby did it, but he loaded himself and our son up in the truck. He drove to school, turned in the missing assignments, and picked up our daughter. She fell with the flu the next day. Miraculous, I never ended up with the flu.

Dealing with an estate can burn you out. It seeps into every aspect of your life and you feel like it is pulling you under. I think August was my breaking point. You just want to throw your hands up and say "I'm done" and walk away. I was burnt out. I usually take a week off during August to spend with the kiddos before school starts. Hubby was able to take time off, too. Instead of working on dad's house, we planned some staycation adventures within a few hours drive of home. Taking a break helped to refocus me. The thing is you can't take everything from one life and add it to another. I can't take everything that is in my dad's house. I don't have time to even comprehend selling everything that is left in his house. Music once again stepped in and helped me out. Burn the Ships by for King & Country and Rescue Me by Lauren Daigle helped me along this newest portion of the journey. Sometimes you just have to walk away from those things that do no lift you up. You have to take a deep breath and reassess where you are going, what you plan to do. When I was going through my own cancer journey, the words of wisdom that stuck out for me was: "Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day." (Alice Morse Earle). To keep our sanity we need to look for at least one shining light each day. There is truly something good in each day if we only take the time to look for it. 

I have chosen a word of the year for 2020, Polaris. It is the guiding star that for centuries has helped to guide people through the night. Sometimes we lose sight of what we wish to achieve. In those times, we need to slow down, refind our Polaris, and redirect in the direction we wish to go. So, I think that Polaris is fitting. There are hard things on my list for 2020, like getting dad's house on the market and hopefully closing the estate. Then there are things for my well being on the list. I hope that 2020 is kinder than the last few years have been, because I am so ready for smooth sailing.

Never Imagine

This year has been rough. I never imagined how rough it would be. I came into the year with hopes and wishes. I tried to be positive, but resiliency is the name of the game this year. The last few years have all had very sucky moments. So each new year, you think it has to be better than the year before. It has to be better than having cancer and going through surgeries and recovery. It has to be better that undergoing testing to rule out anymore cancer. It has to be better than the year the house was broken into, the same day you find out that you have an incurable health condition. It has to be better than when your child broke both arms at the same time. It has to be better than the year mom died. It has to be better.

This year, I had planned to try to tackle much needed organization of the house. I had planned to reduce my stress levels and work on improving my health. I planned to spend more time with my family. January started out well. I tackled organizing and cleaning the sunroom. I started the second round of the elimination diet. I made a family calendar to track all of our cool family adventures. I was excited. I was determined. I was making progress. Then the carpet was pulled out beneath my feet.

• I never imagined that I would have to talk to my children about how not all cancers can be cured.
• I never imagined that my mother-in-law would die the day after my daughter’s birthday.
• I never imagined that I would have to break my children’s hearts.
• I never imagined how brave my husband would be.
• I never imagined that four evenings later, I would be standing outside in -20 windchill flagging down an ambulance and fire truck.
• I never imagined that my dad would need to be carried out of his house.
• I never imagined that my dad would be in ICU.
• I never imagined that dad would be in the hospital for 15 days.
• I never imagined that dad would have 3 biopsies.
• I never imagined having two birthday parties for my kids while my dad was in the hospital.
• I never imagined that I would need to apologize to nurses and doctors.
• I never imagined that the multiple myeloma would return as lymphoma.
• I never imagined that dad would be in a nursing home.
• I never imagined that I would be sitting in an intensive special education meeting while dad’s future was unknown.
• I never imagined that dad would be in so much pain at a doctor visit that he would scare the other patients and staff in the office.
• I never imagined the looks of pity on people’s faces.
• I never imagined that my dad would never go home.
• I never imagined dad’s last “I love you” would be his last.
• I never imagined that I would be holding his hand when he took his last breath.
• I never imagined that I would be the only person in the room when both of my parents died.
• I never imagined that it would be snowing when dad died.
• I never imagined that I would have to clean his house out.
• I never imagined that family could turn against you.
• I never imagined the hurtful words and skewed perception that grieve can spew.
• I never imagined being anxious at the funeral because I did not know how others would behave.
• I never imagined apologizing to the funeral home.
• I never imagined worrying about if my dad would have a gravestone.
• I never imagined that I would have to cut off communication with a family member.
• I never imagined not having living parents.
• I never imagined that I would feel so alone.
• I never imagined that 2019 would be so difficult.

Even with all of the I nevers, I have discovered blessings. My husband has been a rock through all of these trials. He has been super dad. He stayed home with the kids when they had the flu, so I could stay well and go to the nursing home. The day dad died, my husband had come down with the flu himself. He drove through the icy, wintry mix with our son to turn in our son’s end of quarter homework and pick up our daughter as I sat alone at the nursing home saying my goodbyes to my dad. He has supported me through thick and thin. He has comforted me when I have lost it. He has fed me when I was done for the day. With all of my allergies and food intolerances that is definitely a very, brave man. He has been helping me clean out dad’s house. We still have a few months of work to accomplish. I am truly blessed to have an amazing husband.

My brother and sister-in-law have been a blessing. They live out-of-state with their flock of kiddos. They have lent a supportive ear, wisdom, and love. They lent support during the days leading up to the funeral and helped to begin the cleaning out process of dad’s house. They have made calls from afar to aid in the clean-up of dad’s estate. We have sent videos back and forth with clips of dad’s instruments being played. Me with my first fumbling attempts at playing the dulcimer and my brother with clips of playing dad’s guitar and banjo. My brother is definitely a better musician with stringed instruments than me. LOL!

My cousins have been a huge blessing. They have lent me understanding, wisdom, and love on those really rough days. We cannot always choose our family, but I am thankful for my three cousins. I have appreciated their support during this difficult time.

I am also very thankful for my maternal grandma and my half-sister. They took on watching our kiddos and picking them up from school (when they were not sick), so I could go to the hospital and hubby could go to work. These two wonderful people ground me. I don’t know what I would do without them. We went through so much when we lost mom and grandpa 9 years ago, our bond is so much stronger for it.

I am thankful for the doctors and nurses that helped my dad during the last month of his life. I am especially thankful for our oncologist. He had been dad’s doctor since 2007. They had a very unique doctor patient friendship. It was a relief to see doc each evening at the hospital, even when dad was not with it enough to care. I am so thankful that the doc went to the nursing home to give dad his last biopsy results in person. I am thankful that doc called me back himself after I left a message with his nursing that dad died. I am thankful that I am a third generation patient with such a wonderful and caring doctor.

I am thankful for my workplace. I am thankful for my co-workers who took up the slack when I would not make it into work or would only work a handful of hours. I am thankful that everyone gave me grace when things did not get done or were forgotten. I am thankful for my volunteers. They are like extended family to me. I cherish all of the support, love, understanding, and care.

I am thankful for music. I am very thankful for the song Even Then by Micah Tyler. The lyrics really helped me when I was hurting the most.

Last but not least, I am thankful for my friends and my tribe. I am so thankful for all of the cards, hugs, and even those that took the time to attend dad’s funeral. I am thankful for the texts and messages on those really rough days. I am thankful for the pep talks and the unwavering support. I truly have some amazing friends.

To all those that have supported me: Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You all are every day heroes to me!

It's Coming . . . . .

2019 is just days away. I say this every year, but my wish is for the new year to be better than the year before. Hahaha! Famous last words! We have had about five to six years of hurtles, deep ditches, and road blocks. I do have to say this December was the first one in a long time that I could enjoy the holiday season. I was not recovering from surgery, I was not so dizzy that I could not drive, and I was not wearing the boot of doom. So, progress has been made!

I am looking forward to crushing my goals in my Living Well Planner. My major goal of the year, that I have tried to tackle many times before to no avail, is to clean and organize the house. It gets the best of me every year, but this year my plan is to blow this goal out of the water. In January, I plan to focus my sights on the sunroom. Wish me luck! 

I am also about to embark on a second go-around of the elimination diet. I will be starting it up this coming Saturday (January 5) and a few friends are also going to tag along. I hope that we all find the answers that we seek along the journey. I feel much more prepared this time and have a better idea about what I am actually doing. I am curious if I missed any food intolerances during the first go-around. I am also looking forward to getting my body and brain reset into eating healthier again.  

Well, off to plan my day and week!

Faith of A Child

 

Today, I went solo to church. Hubby needed a day to recoup from the craziness of the last few weeks. Sunday is typically the day of the week that he can call his own. Pumpkin, of course, then decided he was staying home with daddy. By that point, I decided to let the Bear sleep in and go solo. It is nice to occasionally go solo. I don't have to worry about what the kids are doing, how they are acting, and it is more peaceful. I was set to enjoy a kid-less church service, or so I thought.

I have been making scarves for a few Christmas gifts, so I took along a crocheting project. I rarely take a project with me, but with Christmas only nine days away I wanted to maximize my time. I am not an expert by any means and fail miserably at reading crochet patterns. I typically just triple crochet row after row, so it is a great project to mindless do while watching tv, waiting for the kids to get out of school, or listening to others speak.

Grandma sat down next to me in the pew. Then three little sprites arrived and peaked at me from the pew in front of me. I have only seen the trio a few times in church. They began chatting with me, mesmerized by the crocheting project. My own personal fan club!

They pelleted me with questions, lots and lots of questions. What was I making? How did I do that? Who was it for? I wish I had a scarf. Do you make hats, too? Do you believe in Santa? Does the church hand out presents to everyone? I wish I could do that. I can't even draw. My birthday is next month. How many days until Christmas?

The little sprites were a lively crew. I answered the questions they ask, asked a few simple questions myself, but let them chat for the most part. I found out that one girl was in the 4th grade, one girl was the 2nd grade, and one boy was in kindergarten. They came to church all by themselves. Outside the church, I had noticed a child's bicycle and a push scooter in the grass. The oldest little sprite talked about coming from her grandmother's house many blocks away. She talked about her grandparents, but never mentioned her parents.

They watched me crochet a simple scarf before the church service. The oldest stating when she grows up she is going to crochet, too. Before the service started they scurried off to sit with an adult friend that they had made in the church on a previous visit. It is amazing how God turns the simplest, most unlikely things into something profound and meaningful.

Oh . . . to have the faith of a child, to seek out God, and to create your own path to follow! I hope that the little sprites return and that they experience the hope, joy, and love of the season.

Plans For the Future

Wow! It is December 1. Where has the time gone? 

December is a good time to get a game plan going for the coming year. Where do I see myself? What would I like to do? What is important to me? What do I want to accomplish? How am I going to keep myself motivated?

I am lousy at writing goals and sticking to them. I am well-intentioned, but lose momentum when hurtles pop-up and I just do not get back on track again. In recent years, I have gone to monthly goals instead of yearly goals. With monthly goals, you can reassess how it is going and redirect yourself much easier. 

In 2019, my main objectives would be to work on improving my health and to tackle the daunting task of the organization of the house. I have been following Living Well Spending Less and have purchased their fancy planner to see if I can become more organized with my time in 2019.

The planner is beautiful! It has sections to help me plan out my long-term, monthly, and weekly goals. I am excited to start using it in the new year. 

For the month of January, I plan to start the Elimination Diet for round two. I haven't felt as healthy as I was before I was diagnosed with cancer and I want to get back to that place. This week marked the one-year anniversary of my mastectomy. I definitely have not eaten as healthy as I was before the journey started. Easy, quick, and fast were the goals of food prep for months and months. I am ready to retrain my body to eat healthy again. I also want to pinpoint if I have any additional food intolerances that I may have missed during the first round.

Organizing the house is my other main objective. I am going to have to sit down and create a year-long plan that can be broken into monthly, weekly, and daily goals to crush the task at hand. This is an extremely overwhelming process. I feel like the clutter grows, has babies, and spreads at an alarming rate. I need to get the whole family on board for this project. It is difficult to make headway when you are the only one attempting to tame the clutter. So I will have to create goals for myself, but also discover ways to encourage the kiddos to clean-up after themselves and to help out with household chores.

Have you started to think ahead to 2019? What do you plan to do? It seems like the "in" thing to do at the beginning of the year is choosing a word for the upcoming year. I think determination will be my word for 2019. Have you chosen a word yet?

Only Me

 
Do you ever feel like something can only happen to you or your family? I feel like this a lot. If it will happen to someone, the odds are I will be somehow involved.

Real life examples over the course of my adult life:

* The store debiting my bank account for $0.01 when the check was written for $11 something. The store had just got a new system that did electronic checks, apparently it did not like my check. I had to write a second check.

* I once drove under a power transformer as it exploded. That was a fun one, I thought something happened to my car as I pulled into my driveway. I stopped the car and jumped out as my neighbor ran over to see if I was okay. The power guy that fixed the transformer said the squirrel didn't make it.

* Three different ladies in the doctor's office had to reset their passwords when attempting to take my co-pay.

* When I was seven months pregnant with my first-born, I was in my workplace bathroom. The underground transformer that ran behind the building exploded about twenty feet from my location plunging the whole card shop into darkness. My co-worker raced to the back room to check on me. The store was closed for two days due to the outage.

* I'm a battery vampire. I can drain a brand new watch battery in two months flat. I gave up wearing watches a few years ago. Our house was broken into two years ago this week, so I no longer have any watches anyway.

* I stepped on a hickory nut husk in our driveway three years ago next month. I ended up tearing two out of three ligaments in my left ankle. My best friend for the next 4-1/2 months was a walking boot (aka The Boot of Doom). 

* At the grocery store, I always seem to find the self-checkout that has a balance issue. It is great when the attendant has to approve each item you scan because the checkout scale is off and tells you to take the last scanned item out of the bag.

* Percentage wise: A typical person has a 0.01% chance of developing breast cancer in their 40s, 0.1% chance of having Chiari, 1.4% chance of having a Chek2 mutation, 1.7% chance of having a child with autism, and a 4% chance of having a food allergy. I must be lucky!

* After my second surgery last year, a freak accident occurred in recovery. I got clipped in the foot by a passing hospital bed. It was a comedy of errors, no one person was at fault. I ended up in the Boot of Doom for about 3-4 weeks due to a possible stress fracture of the fourth metatarsal. The hospital was kind enough to cover the bills. It made for an interesting time, I couldn't use my right arm and was lugging around the heavy boot on my right leg. 

* Every car I have ever owned has shocked me when closing the door. From personal experience, the pinky is the most painful finger to be shocked. My current car also changes radio stations on its own.

* Last year, I had to contact the health insurance company to fix a glitch on their end. Somehow they had that my then eight-year-old had a mammogram instead of me and they refused to pay anything on it. Apparently, someone on their end entered the information in their system wrong.

* One of the most interesting glitches. . . . Somehow the county managed to deposit our property check twice, two months apart. This, of course, overdrew our bank account. I had to dig through our bank statements to figure it all out. The bank fixed everything after I contacted them about cashing the same check number twice.  

Do you have any funny "it can only happen to me" stories?

Elimination Diet 101

Two years ago, I embarked on an elimination diet. I had been diagnosed with Chiari. My doctor suggested that I investigate to see if a food intolerance was contributing to the headaches and dizziness, that I had been experiencing. Chiari occurs when the cerebellum (back part of your brain) is herniated (tonsil) and extends past your skull. The cerebellum tonsil touches your brain stem and spinal cord which can cause a host of different problems. Besides headaches and dizziness, Chiari can also cause issues with eyesight, balance, hearing, speech, swallowing, and much more. Unfortunately, there is no cure for Chiari. Managing symptoms is the best course of action, which is basically trial and error.

Before I get too far into my story, I would like to point out an elimination diet is not a fad diet and the goal is not to lose weight. An elimination diet is a scientific journey of sorts that helps one to access the impact that different foods have on their overall health. An elimination diet helps one to determine if they have any food intolerances. Food intolerances typically cannot be found through allergy testing. Allergy testing only works for true food allergies that can be life-threatening, even then allergy testing is not 100% accurate. A food intolerance can make you extremely sick but is not considered life-threatening and will not show up on an allergy test. A food intolerance can cause a variety of symptoms: dizziness, headaches, weight gain, gastrointestinal problems, sleep problems, breathing problems, and the list goes on.

I researched my options and decided to purchase the book: The Elimination Diet. The book outlines the steps of the elimination diet, talks about what to look for when reintroducing foods, and includes recipes for different phases of the diet. I bought a medium sized notebook and colorful ink pens (you have to have some fun) to record my journey and symptoms. I also reached out to family and friends for help and support.

Here are the nuts and bolts of the elimination diet. The diet consists of three phases. Phase 1 is a two-day detox. There is a limited list of foods for those two days and all foods must be in puree or smoothie form. When foods are pureed, it is easier for your body to break down the nutrients and minerals. The detox days are to reset your body. The 2nd day was probably the hardest day overall for me, due to Phase 1 not allowing any meat. Phase 2 is day three through fourteen. There is a limited list of foods, but meats are included. Phase 3 starts on day fifteen and continues until all the food have been reintroduced. The foods are reintroduced one at a time twice a day for 3 days in a row. I discovered that for me it was best to test during lunch and dinner. If the food passes, you move to the next food on the list. If the food does not pass, you go into a holding pattern until your symptoms subside. That typically took 3-4 days for me. You can eat as much as you want, but you must stay within the safe foods you are allowed. I referred to the Whole Nutrition website Elimination Diet Resources during my journey.

I tested the following foods for intolerances: Citrus, nightshades (I broke this group out into potatoes and tomatoes since I am allergic to peppers), beef, pork, sesame, walnuts, pecans, almonds, cashews, peanuts, hazelnuts, pistachios, brazil nuts, macadamia nuts, sugar, chocolate, corn, soy, yeast, eggs, dairy, gluten, wheat, alcohol, and caffeine. The journey took me 15-1/2 weeks to complete. Besides being allergic to peppers (paprika), I discovered an intolerance to soy and sesame. Health-wise, I had fewer bouts of dizziness and headaches afterward. I learned to eat healthier. Before the elimination diet, I had also experienced acid reflux every evening as I laid down to sleep. The acid reflux is completely gone. The removal of soy and sesame from my diet resulted in me losing 50 pounds through eating alone. I am glad that I underwent the journey two years ago and I felt healthier for it.

Last year when I was undergoing treatment for breast cancer, I was unable to cook for about a month. It was another few months before I could comfortably cut produce, open bottles, or lift pans without extreme pain. It took about four months before I could drain a pot of pasta. I had to rely on others to prepare food. Fast and simple meals were the best way to go and as a result, I got out of the practice of eating healthy. I want to retrain my body to eat healthier again. I am also curious if the soy intolerance was extensive enough to mask other potential food intolerances. So, I have come to the decision to do a second round of the elimination diet in January. I learned so much through the first go around that I am looking forward to trying it a second time. I discovered amazing new recipes, how much soy is hidden in foods, and that eating healthy can be fun. 

What new adventure are you planning for January?