Never Imagine

This year has been rough. I never imagined how rough it would be. I came into the year with hopes and wishes. I tried to be positive, but resiliency is the name of the game this year. The last few years have all had very sucky moments. So each new year, you think it has to be better than the year before. It has to be better than having cancer and going through surgeries and recovery. It has to be better that undergoing testing to rule out anymore cancer. It has to be better than the year the house was broken into, the same day you find out that you have an incurable health condition. It has to be better than when your child broke both arms at the same time. It has to be better than the year mom died. It has to be better.

This year, I had planned to try to tackle much needed organization of the house. I had planned to reduce my stress levels and work on improving my health. I planned to spend more time with my family. January started out well. I tackled organizing and cleaning the sunroom. I started the second round of the elimination diet. I made a family calendar to track all of our cool family adventures. I was excited. I was determined. I was making progress. Then the carpet was pulled out beneath my feet.

• I never imagined that I would have to talk to my children about how not all cancers can be cured.
• I never imagined that my mother-in-law would die the day after my daughter’s birthday.
• I never imagined that I would have to break my children’s hearts.
• I never imagined how brave my husband would be.
• I never imagined that four evenings later, I would be standing outside in -20 windchill flagging down an ambulance and fire truck.
• I never imagined that my dad would need to be carried out of his house.
• I never imagined that my dad would be in ICU.
• I never imagined that dad would be in the hospital for 15 days.
• I never imagined that dad would have 3 biopsies.
• I never imagined having two birthday parties for my kids while my dad was in the hospital.
• I never imagined that I would need to apologize to nurses and doctors.
• I never imagined that the multiple myeloma would return as lymphoma.
• I never imagined that dad would be in a nursing home.
• I never imagined that I would be sitting in an intensive special education meeting while dad’s future was unknown.
• I never imagined that dad would be in so much pain at a doctor visit that he would scare the other patients and staff in the office.
• I never imagined the looks of pity on people’s faces.
• I never imagined that my dad would never go home.
• I never imagined dad’s last “I love you” would be his last.
• I never imagined that I would be holding his hand when he took his last breath.
• I never imagined that I would be the only person in the room when both of my parents died.
• I never imagined that it would be snowing when dad died.
• I never imagined that I would have to clean his house out.
• I never imagined that family could turn against you.
• I never imagined the hurtful words and skewed perception that grieve can spew.
• I never imagined being anxious at the funeral because I did not know how others would behave.
• I never imagined apologizing to the funeral home.
• I never imagined worrying about if my dad would have a gravestone.
• I never imagined that I would have to cut off communication with a family member.
• I never imagined not having living parents.
• I never imagined that I would feel so alone.
• I never imagined that 2019 would be so difficult.

Even with all of the I nevers, I have discovered blessings. My husband has been a rock through all of these trials. He has been super dad. He stayed home with the kids when they had the flu, so I could stay well and go to the nursing home. The day dad died, my husband had come down with the flu himself. He drove through the icy, wintry mix with our son to turn in our son’s end of quarter homework and pick up our daughter as I sat alone at the nursing home saying my goodbyes to my dad. He has supported me through thick and thin. He has comforted me when I have lost it. He has fed me when I was done for the day. With all of my allergies and food intolerances that is definitely a very, brave man. He has been helping me clean out dad’s house. We still have a few months of work to accomplish. I am truly blessed to have an amazing husband.

My brother and sister-in-law have been a blessing. They live out-of-state with their flock of kiddos. They have lent a supportive ear, wisdom, and love. They lent support during the days leading up to the funeral and helped to begin the cleaning out process of dad’s house. They have made calls from afar to aid in the clean-up of dad’s estate. We have sent videos back and forth with clips of dad’s instruments being played. Me with my first fumbling attempts at playing the dulcimer and my brother with clips of playing dad’s guitar and banjo. My brother is definitely a better musician with stringed instruments than me. LOL!

My cousins have been a huge blessing. They have lent me understanding, wisdom, and love on those really rough days. We cannot always choose our family, but I am thankful for my three cousins. I have appreciated their support during this difficult time.

I am also very thankful for my maternal grandma and my half-sister. They took on watching our kiddos and picking them up from school (when they were not sick), so I could go to the hospital and hubby could go to work. These two wonderful people ground me. I don’t know what I would do without them. We went through so much when we lost mom and grandpa 9 years ago, our bond is so much stronger for it.

I am thankful for the doctors and nurses that helped my dad during the last month of his life. I am especially thankful for our oncologist. He had been dad’s doctor since 2007. They had a very unique doctor patient friendship. It was a relief to see doc each evening at the hospital, even when dad was not with it enough to care. I am so thankful that the doc went to the nursing home to give dad his last biopsy results in person. I am thankful that doc called me back himself after I left a message with his nursing that dad died. I am thankful that I am a third generation patient with such a wonderful and caring doctor.

I am thankful for my workplace. I am thankful for my co-workers who took up the slack when I would not make it into work or would only work a handful of hours. I am thankful that everyone gave me grace when things did not get done or were forgotten. I am thankful for my volunteers. They are like extended family to me. I cherish all of the support, love, understanding, and care.

I am thankful for music. I am very thankful for the song Even Then by Micah Tyler. The lyrics really helped me when I was hurting the most.

Last but not least, I am thankful for my friends and my tribe. I am so thankful for all of the cards, hugs, and even those that took the time to attend dad’s funeral. I am thankful for the texts and messages on those really rough days. I am thankful for the pep talks and the unwavering support. I truly have some amazing friends.

To all those that have supported me: Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You all are every day heroes to me!