Hope in the Word "Will"

Wow! 2020 is definitely not what I would have imagined. We lost another family member in January, which is why I took another hiatus from this little ol’ blog. Earlier this month marked the one-year anniversary of losing dad. It takes time to process your grief, thoughts, and feelings. Now we all are bombarded by a world-wide crisis with the coronavirus. Everyone I know has been affected in some way or another. Our kids are home on two weeks of spring break, then most likely we will delve into the world of online learning. Personally, I am not looking forward to online learning with a 7th & 5th grader. My workplace is shut down for at least two weeks, maybe more. Hubby’s workplace is still open for now. The kiddos and I are housebound excepted for pre-scheduled doctor’s appointments. Hubby has been going to the store for us and taking supplies to my 91-year-old grandma, as needed.

All of this can be overwhelming. Some people are handling it well, and others are really struggling. Thankfully with the hurtles we have experienced in our lives, we are doing pretty good with the isolation. Our goal is to stay well during this time. As a special needs family, we have had to become pretty resilient. Things aren’t going to work out the way you have planned. As a special needs parent, sometimes you have to make very fast changes in the blink of an eye. You need to be quick on your feet and don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s hard to face change, but you will survive. We had to do the social distancing two years ago when I was going through my cancer stuff. The kids had to deal with not leaving the house except for school, they only got to hang out with family, and they did not have their birthday parties, because I couldn’t get sick. We made it through, and they survived. The bottom line is you will survive.

It will not hurt us all to stay home. It will teach us to slow down. It will teach us to appreciate what we have. It will allow us to spend quality time with those with love. It will teach us compassion. It will teach us the lost art of talking on the phone and writing letters. We will notice the small things. We will take time to savor our food. We will have a chance to rest and recharge. We will count our blessings.

In this time of uncertainty and the unknown, we need to show compassion and love to those around us. Here are some ways you can help your families, friends, and neighbors:

• Pick up the phone. Call and check on family and friends. Call and check on those who live by themselves. Take time to reach out.
• Give cheer through text. If you have family or friends in the thick of the coronavirus mania, let them know that you are thinking of them. Text them something to brighten their day.
• Volunteer to make a supply run. If you are not at high risk and feel comfortable doing so, make a supply run for someone that is not able to do so at this time. You can leave the groceries at the door or on a porch. It is possible to navigate that 6-foot distance, while still helping out.
• Get outside. If someone is unable to get out and their yard is full of sticks, with their permission volunteer to help gather them into a pile or bag them up.
• Write letters. Many people over the age of 60 enjoy writing and receiving handwritten letters. So write a letter. Have the kids create artwork. You could even include a book of stamps, so they can write you back.

Don’t forget your own mental health. Here are some ways to come out on top in the next few weeks or even months:

• Create a daily gratitude list. What happened today that you are thankful for? What made you smile today?
• Post quotes where you will see them. One of my favorites: “Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day.” (author unknown)
• Listen to music. Dance around while you cook or clean. Have a group dance with your kids.
• Play games with the family. We have played Trouble (the Minion version) and Clue this week.
• Read a book. Books have the power to transport you, so escape for a little while.
• Faith break. No matter what you believe, take time to focus on the higher power in your life. Read verses, meditate, or practice mindfulness. My favorite Bible verse is “Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!” Romans 11:33
• Get outside. Take a walk with your family or pet. Look for spring wildflowers. Do a scavenger hunt. Take photos of nature.
• Make comfort food. What food do you look forward to eating or drinking? What is a rare treat that would brighten your day? Right now, my comfort food is a glass of cold vanilla almond milk. My kids love the rare treat of making and eating chocolate chip banana bread.
• Get dressed and smile. If you are staying home, make sure to get dressed each day. Even if you live alone, you can smile and make funny faces at yourself in a mirror. Have fun! You will be happier for it.
• Don’t forget to get plenty of sleep. Sleep helps to keep us healthy and helps us to find the blessings in life.

Stay well, my friends. And remember you will get through this hurtle of life.

What's For Dinner?

I'm not going to lie. I miss restaurants and convenience foods. I miss pizza, cheese toasties, mac 'n cheese, and donuts. I don't miss soda anymore. So, there is a win.

Allergies and intolerances can suck! Attempting to figure out how to navigate after eliminating a particular food can be daunting. First, you panic, "What the crap am I going to eat?" Then you research before moving to the trial and error phase. Finally, it clicks. I think I have done pretty well at adapting. It has not been an easy road and it can be frustrating at times, but it beats feeling miserable.

I am allergic to peppers and soy. I am intolerant to yeast (including vinegar), sesame, and tomatoes. The doctor's office has me off of beets (including beet sugar), Boston lettuce, sulfites, wheat, gluten, dairy, and citrus. When it comes to food, I am a hot mess. Hahaha! I try to look at the bright side, at least I am eating healthier.

Pinterest has become a good friend of mine. I search for paleo, whole30, and vegan recipes when looking for homemade recipes. I modify the recipes as needed for my restrictions. I also have an amazing chef friend that creates recipes for me when I hit a brick wall. She gave me a scrumptious pumpkin soup recipe. Baked sweet potatoes with sauteed onion, garlic, and spinach rocks. Salmon with asparagus and dill, just wow! Did I mention that she is amazing!?!

Here are a couple awesome "safe" recipes that I like:

• Skillet Pork Chops with Apples and Onions (I leave out the mustard and substitute water for the broth)
• Yeast-free Cashew Parmesan (I leave out the red pepper flakes)
• Chicken Pot Pie Soup (I make homemade chicken stock, most broths/stocks have soy or yeast)
• Simple Roasted Carrots

Here are a couple recipes that I hope to try soon:

• Sauteed Cinnamon Apples
• Easy Vegan Cinnamon Pecan Cookies
• Roasted Cauliflower Soup (minus bouillon, pepper flakes, and lemon juice)

Trying new foods, tastes, and flavors can be fun. I definitely miss the quickness of fast food and the convenience of prepared foods. Sometimes it makes me sad to watch my family eat fast food, while I find some leftovers in the fridge. What I would give for a juicy cheeseburger on a yummy bun with crunchy french fries. But we have to trudge along with what we have and within our limitations.

So, what are you having for dinner? Something homemade, something out of a package, or are you dropping by a restaurant? My favorite dinner this past week was oven-baked herbed chicken and lima beans.

What Once Was Lost

I think that I am back. Life has a way of sidelining the best of intentions. 2019 has been a rough year. I know that I lost myself for a while along the way. I had such good intentions for 2019. I decided to pick a word of the year, so I choose Determination. I was determined to start working on things that mattered to me even if they were slow chunks throughout the year. January was awesome, then the world came tumbling down. We lost my dad in March after a month of being between the hospital and nursing home. 

Grief is hard. When mom died nine years ago, a book kept me afloat. At the beginning of mom's nine-month battle with cancer, I read The Good Nearby by Nancy Moser. The moral of this fictional book is that there good comes even from the bad in life. God has a reason for everything even if we cannot see it at the time. At the beginning of every chapter, there was a Bible verse. The verse that helped me through the months of mom's sickness, then death was "Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!" Romans 11:33. We buried mom the day after my 33rd birthday.

There was only a month between dad being hospitalized and losing him. The cancer was too fast and too strong. I spent a lot of time at the hospital. There was a lot of stress, anxiety, and just trying to stay afloat. I tried to go into work for a few hours when I could and then tried to be the best parent I could be to my kiddos. Thank goodness, I have an amazing husband. That even in the grief of losing his mom, just days before dad was hospitalized, he stepped up so I could be at the hospital with dad to try to get him to eat, to take his meds, and to meet with the doctors. Music over the radio when traveling back and forth was my comfort. Even Then by Micah Tyler was the beacon during that last month of dad's life, dealing with the funeral, and starting to clean out dad's house.

The picture above was taken the morning after dad died. It was snowing when I got the call from the nursing home to come. The oncologist thought dad had maybe six months, he lasted six days after receiving his diagnosis. I had just left work and was heading home to pick up all of the homework that was due to take to school. The flu had hit our house that week. Hubby and our son were both down with the flu and it was the day before the last day of the quarter at school.  I called my husband to let him know that I had to turn around, then went to the nursing home. I was with dad for the last ten minutes of his life holding his hand. I still don't know how hubby did it, but he loaded himself and our son up in the truck. He drove to school, turned in the missing assignments, and picked up our daughter. She fell with the flu the next day. Miraculous, I never ended up with the flu.

Dealing with an estate can burn you out. It seeps into every aspect of your life and you feel like it is pulling you under. I think August was my breaking point. You just want to throw your hands up and say "I'm done" and walk away. I was burnt out. I usually take a week off during August to spend with the kiddos before school starts. Hubby was able to take time off, too. Instead of working on dad's house, we planned some staycation adventures within a few hours drive of home. Taking a break helped to refocus me. The thing is you can't take everything from one life and add it to another. I can't take everything that is in my dad's house. I don't have time to even comprehend selling everything that is left in his house. Music once again stepped in and helped me out. Burn the Ships by for King & Country and Rescue Me by Lauren Daigle helped me along this newest portion of the journey. Sometimes you just have to walk away from those things that do no lift you up. You have to take a deep breath and reassess where you are going, what you plan to do. When I was going through my own cancer journey, the words of wisdom that stuck out for me was: "Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day." (Alice Morse Earle). To keep our sanity we need to look for at least one shining light each day. There is truly something good in each day if we only take the time to look for it. 

I have chosen a word of the year for 2020, Polaris. It is the guiding star that for centuries has helped to guide people through the night. Sometimes we lose sight of what we wish to achieve. In those times, we need to slow down, refind our Polaris, and redirect in the direction we wish to go. So, I think that Polaris is fitting. There are hard things on my list for 2020, like getting dad's house on the market and hopefully closing the estate. Then there are things for my well being on the list. I hope that 2020 is kinder than the last few years have been, because I am so ready for smooth sailing.

Never Imagine

This year has been rough. I never imagined how rough it would be. I came into the year with hopes and wishes. I tried to be positive, but resiliency is the name of the game this year. The last few years have all had very sucky moments. So each new year, you think it has to be better than the year before. It has to be better than having cancer and going through surgeries and recovery. It has to be better that undergoing testing to rule out anymore cancer. It has to be better than the year the house was broken into, the same day you find out that you have an incurable health condition. It has to be better than when your child broke both arms at the same time. It has to be better than the year mom died. It has to be better.

This year, I had planned to try to tackle much needed organization of the house. I had planned to reduce my stress levels and work on improving my health. I planned to spend more time with my family. January started out well. I tackled organizing and cleaning the sunroom. I started the second round of the elimination diet. I made a family calendar to track all of our cool family adventures. I was excited. I was determined. I was making progress. Then the carpet was pulled out beneath my feet.

• I never imagined that I would have to talk to my children about how not all cancers can be cured.
• I never imagined that my mother-in-law would die the day after my daughter’s birthday.
• I never imagined that I would have to break my children’s hearts.
• I never imagined how brave my husband would be.
• I never imagined that four evenings later, I would be standing outside in -20 windchill flagging down an ambulance and fire truck.
• I never imagined that my dad would need to be carried out of his house.
• I never imagined that my dad would be in ICU.
• I never imagined that dad would be in the hospital for 15 days.
• I never imagined that dad would have 3 biopsies.
• I never imagined having two birthday parties for my kids while my dad was in the hospital.
• I never imagined that I would need to apologize to nurses and doctors.
• I never imagined that the multiple myeloma would return as lymphoma.
• I never imagined that dad would be in a nursing home.
• I never imagined that I would be sitting in an intensive special education meeting while dad’s future was unknown.
• I never imagined that dad would be in so much pain at a doctor visit that he would scare the other patients and staff in the office.
• I never imagined the looks of pity on people’s faces.
• I never imagined that my dad would never go home.
• I never imagined dad’s last “I love you” would be his last.
• I never imagined that I would be holding his hand when he took his last breath.
• I never imagined that I would be the only person in the room when both of my parents died.
• I never imagined that it would be snowing when dad died.
• I never imagined that I would have to clean his house out.
• I never imagined that family could turn against you.
• I never imagined the hurtful words and skewed perception that grieve can spew.
• I never imagined being anxious at the funeral because I did not know how others would behave.
• I never imagined apologizing to the funeral home.
• I never imagined worrying about if my dad would have a gravestone.
• I never imagined that I would have to cut off communication with a family member.
• I never imagined not having living parents.
• I never imagined that I would feel so alone.
• I never imagined that 2019 would be so difficult.

Even with all of the I nevers, I have discovered blessings. My husband has been a rock through all of these trials. He has been super dad. He stayed home with the kids when they had the flu, so I could stay well and go to the nursing home. The day dad died, my husband had come down with the flu himself. He drove through the icy, wintry mix with our son to turn in our son’s end of quarter homework and pick up our daughter as I sat alone at the nursing home saying my goodbyes to my dad. He has supported me through thick and thin. He has comforted me when I have lost it. He has fed me when I was done for the day. With all of my allergies and food intolerances that is definitely a very, brave man. He has been helping me clean out dad’s house. We still have a few months of work to accomplish. I am truly blessed to have an amazing husband.

My brother and sister-in-law have been a blessing. They live out-of-state with their flock of kiddos. They have lent a supportive ear, wisdom, and love. They lent support during the days leading up to the funeral and helped to begin the cleaning out process of dad’s house. They have made calls from afar to aid in the clean-up of dad’s estate. We have sent videos back and forth with clips of dad’s instruments being played. Me with my first fumbling attempts at playing the dulcimer and my brother with clips of playing dad’s guitar and banjo. My brother is definitely a better musician with stringed instruments than me. LOL!

My cousins have been a huge blessing. They have lent me understanding, wisdom, and love on those really rough days. We cannot always choose our family, but I am thankful for my three cousins. I have appreciated their support during this difficult time.

I am also very thankful for my maternal grandma and my half-sister. They took on watching our kiddos and picking them up from school (when they were not sick), so I could go to the hospital and hubby could go to work. These two wonderful people ground me. I don’t know what I would do without them. We went through so much when we lost mom and grandpa 9 years ago, our bond is so much stronger for it.

I am thankful for the doctors and nurses that helped my dad during the last month of his life. I am especially thankful for our oncologist. He had been dad’s doctor since 2007. They had a very unique doctor patient friendship. It was a relief to see doc each evening at the hospital, even when dad was not with it enough to care. I am so thankful that the doc went to the nursing home to give dad his last biopsy results in person. I am thankful that doc called me back himself after I left a message with his nursing that dad died. I am thankful that I am a third generation patient with such a wonderful and caring doctor.

I am thankful for my workplace. I am thankful for my co-workers who took up the slack when I would not make it into work or would only work a handful of hours. I am thankful that everyone gave me grace when things did not get done or were forgotten. I am thankful for my volunteers. They are like extended family to me. I cherish all of the support, love, understanding, and care.

I am thankful for music. I am very thankful for the song Even Then by Micah Tyler. The lyrics really helped me when I was hurting the most.

Last but not least, I am thankful for my friends and my tribe. I am so thankful for all of the cards, hugs, and even those that took the time to attend dad’s funeral. I am thankful for the texts and messages on those really rough days. I am thankful for the pep talks and the unwavering support. I truly have some amazing friends.

To all those that have supported me: Thank you from the bottom of my heart! You all are every day heroes to me!