What Once Was Lost

I think that I am back. Life has a way of sidelining the best of intentions. 2019 has been a rough year. I know that I lost myself for a while along the way. I had such good intentions for 2019. I decided to pick a word of the year, so I choose Determination. I was determined to start working on things that mattered to me even if they were slow chunks throughout the year. January was awesome, then the world came tumbling down. We lost my dad in March after a month of being between the hospital and nursing home. 

Grief is hard. When mom died nine years ago, a book kept me afloat. At the beginning of mom's nine-month battle with cancer, I read The Good Nearby by Nancy Moser. The moral of this fictional book is that there good comes even from the bad in life. God has a reason for everything even if we cannot see it at the time. At the beginning of every chapter, there was a Bible verse. The verse that helped me through the months of mom's sickness, then death was "Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!" Romans 11:33. We buried mom the day after my 33rd birthday.

There was only a month between dad being hospitalized and losing him. The cancer was too fast and too strong. I spent a lot of time at the hospital. There was a lot of stress, anxiety, and just trying to stay afloat. I tried to go into work for a few hours when I could and then tried to be the best parent I could be to my kiddos. Thank goodness, I have an amazing husband. That even in the grief of losing his mom, just days before dad was hospitalized, he stepped up so I could be at the hospital with dad to try to get him to eat, to take his meds, and to meet with the doctors. Music over the radio when traveling back and forth was my comfort. Even Then by Micah Tyler was the beacon during that last month of dad's life, dealing with the funeral, and starting to clean out dad's house.

The picture above was taken the morning after dad died. It was snowing when I got the call from the nursing home to come. The oncologist thought dad had maybe six months, he lasted six days after receiving his diagnosis. I had just left work and was heading home to pick up all of the homework that was due to take to school. The flu had hit our house that week. Hubby and our son were both down with the flu and it was the day before the last day of the quarter at school.  I called my husband to let him know that I had to turn around, then went to the nursing home. I was with dad for the last ten minutes of his life holding his hand. I still don't know how hubby did it, but he loaded himself and our son up in the truck. He drove to school, turned in the missing assignments, and picked up our daughter. She fell with the flu the next day. Miraculous, I never ended up with the flu.

Dealing with an estate can burn you out. It seeps into every aspect of your life and you feel like it is pulling you under. I think August was my breaking point. You just want to throw your hands up and say "I'm done" and walk away. I was burnt out. I usually take a week off during August to spend with the kiddos before school starts. Hubby was able to take time off, too. Instead of working on dad's house, we planned some staycation adventures within a few hours drive of home. Taking a break helped to refocus me. The thing is you can't take everything from one life and add it to another. I can't take everything that is in my dad's house. I don't have time to even comprehend selling everything that is left in his house. Music once again stepped in and helped me out. Burn the Ships by for King & Country and Rescue Me by Lauren Daigle helped me along this newest portion of the journey. Sometimes you just have to walk away from those things that do no lift you up. You have to take a deep breath and reassess where you are going, what you plan to do. When I was going through my own cancer journey, the words of wisdom that stuck out for me was: "Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day." (Alice Morse Earle). To keep our sanity we need to look for at least one shining light each day. There is truly something good in each day if we only take the time to look for it. 

I have chosen a word of the year for 2020, Polaris. It is the guiding star that for centuries has helped to guide people through the night. Sometimes we lose sight of what we wish to achieve. In those times, we need to slow down, refind our Polaris, and redirect in the direction we wish to go. So, I think that Polaris is fitting. There are hard things on my list for 2020, like getting dad's house on the market and hopefully closing the estate. Then there are things for my well being on the list. I hope that 2020 is kinder than the last few years have been, because I am so ready for smooth sailing.